Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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