I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Randomize
