Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
