I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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