there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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