i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
