The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Randomize
