I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
