how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
