I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Randomize
