The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
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