I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
