I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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