This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
