so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
