This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I'm like, not good at living.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
