My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Your cock deserves a montage
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
