I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
