i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Houston, we have a blender
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
