Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
