just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
