i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Randomize
