she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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