the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
