Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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