Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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