Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
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