i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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