I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
