is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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