if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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