I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
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