so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
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