he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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