evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
