I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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