***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
