barbara walters just said penis...
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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