my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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