I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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