The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
