No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
