happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
