2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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