Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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