I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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