FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
