They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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