Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
