I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
