I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I AM VODKA MAN
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
