why didn't you poke me back
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
