I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
