I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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